


You Want This Too

by Hidden_Pineapple



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blow Jobs, Come Swallowing, Condoms are cool, Feelings, Hand Jobs, Hurt/Comfort (sort of), M/M, Oral Sex, Past Feelings, Past Issues, Porn With Plot, Vernon wears sandals and it's an atrocity, i cried, lonely!Vernon, maybe you will too, prostitute!Seungkwan, showering together
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-19
Updated: 2019-03-19
Packaged: 2019-11-24 16:35:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18167570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hidden_Pineapple/pseuds/Hidden_Pineapple
Summary: As he was looking around, someone took the seat next to him. “Looking for something?”Vernon didn’t turn around, not yet. “I’m looking for someone. But I guess that’s what you were asking.” He turned in his seat. “Seungkwan?”





	You Want This Too

**Author's Note:**

> I was writing a Monsta X fic during NaNoWriMo 2018, and I got stuck. Ended up writing this instead, and wrote everything up until the final 500 words in about two days, then spent 4 months figuring out how to end it. This is the result. Hope you like it. <3 
> 
> Thanks to [obsessionandstuff](https://archiveofourown.org/users/obsessionandstuff) for giving this a beta, despite being super busy and super tired, and not at all into my fandoms. You’re the best. Also grateful to [Lionande](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lionande) who took the time to read over after the editing was done.  
> 💜

Vernon had taken a seat at the counter, and just received his drink. He sipped it as he looked around the venue. He was in Seoul just for the weekend, and he’d heard from a friend that if you were looking for company and didn’t mind the price, this was the place to go. 

As he was looking around, someone took the seat next to him. “Looking for something?”

Vernon didn’t turn around, not yet. “I’m looking for some _one_. But I guess that’s what you were asking.” He turned in his seat. “Seungkwan?”

Seungkwan was staring at him, mouth slightly ajar. “Vernon? What — what are you doing here?” He took a glance over him, eyes stopping momentarily at his shirt, and then continued all the way down, stopping again at his sandals. He looked back up, and seemed unable to take his eyes off the beanie. “And when did you become a hipster?”

Vernon laughed an embarrassed laugh, scratching the back of his neck. “I don’t know. How long have you been...uh—”

“Trading my personal services for cash currency?” Seungkwan supplied helpfully.

Vernon looked away. “Yeah. That.” He felt the blush creeping over his cheeks, but braved looking up at Seungkwan again anyway.

Seungkwan was smiling this brilliant smile, so much more contagious than he could remember it being in the past, and Vernon couldn’t help but smile as well. 

For a few seconds, Vernon allowed himself to meet Seungkwan’s gaze, studying him, trying to gauge his intentions. The small wrinkles at the outer edge of his eyes told the tale of someone who laughed frequently and wholeheartedly. He looked happy, but there was a sadness to his eyes as well — but even more so, there was excitement. Or maybe it was just Vernon projecting his own emotions. As he looked into Seungkwan’s eyes, he couldn’t help but think of all the opportunities he’d wasted. All the moments where there had been  _ something _ , some sort of tension, in the air between them. Every single time, he’d let it slip.

And he was about to do it again. “Well, I should get out of your hair, then. You’re working.”

Seungkwan’s eyes widened. “No, stay! We haven’t seen each other in forever. Let’s catch up. Come, let’s go talk somewhere more quiet.” Seungkwan grabbed Vernon’s hand, and Vernon hastily grabbed his coat, spilling a little bit of his drink in the process but not caring.

“Here.” Seungkwan led him into a small alcove with a couch.

Vernon took a seat, and Seungkwan followed suit. “You’re really… blond,” Vernon commented.

Seungkwan chuckled. “Yes. Astute observation. You’re really… sandally.”

Vernon looked down at his feet. “That’s true. I am. Very sandally. Sandalicious.”

“That doesn’t sound like a good thing,” Seungkwan laughed, and took a sip of his drink. It was pink, and looked expensive.

“That’s neither here nor there. The truth is an objective matter, it doesn’t concern itself with being good or bad,” Vernon replied, with the airiest voice he could muster.

It made Seungkwan laugh again. “What happened to you?” he asked, still a little bit of laughter in his voice, but sounding curious as well.

“Everything. Nothing.”

Seungkwan nodded slightly, almost as if he understood.

Vernon took a long sip of his drink, studying Seungkwan’s legs. He was wearing dark suit pants. Even through the wool fabric, he could see the faint outline of Seungkwan’s leg muscles. They were skinnier than he remembered them. Less of the softness that used to be there. He looked back up, and saw Seungkwan studying him, much the same as he had done. Vernon knew that Seungkwan would ask again. Knew that he had to answer something. A part of him wanted to get ahead of him, to just answer without being prompted. But his throat was dry. He sipped his drink again instead.

“So, hipster, huh. You know I love you, but God, when you’re done with that shirt, please burn it.”

Vernon appreciated the easy way out. He could laugh. He didn’t have to explain. “I’ll see what I can do. Just because it’s you.”

They were looking at each other again. Vernon saw Seungkwan’s eyes shift down ever so slightly, and became aware of his own face. He realized he’d been licking his lips.

Seungkwan shifted, changing the position of his legs, and moved a little closer to Vernon in the process.

He was terrified he was imagining it, but his heart was beating fast with the tension in the air. Something was happening here, and Vernon was pretty sure he knew what.

“So, you came here looking for something,” Seungkwan started. Vernon wasn’t sure, but he thought maybe he looked a little uncomfortable.

Vernon had to clear his throat before replying. “Yes. I did.”

“What exactly are you looking for?”

Seungkwan’s gaze was intense, and Vernon found himself unable to look away.

“I could help you, you know. To find it.”

The disappointment felt heavy on Vernon’s chest. Maybe they weren’t on the same page after all. He hesitated, not wanting to misstep. Staring intently at Seungkwan, he weighed his words carefully. “Maybe I already did.”

Seungkwan’s eyes widened ever so slightly. He looked down between them, and brushed a few stray hairs behind his ear.

Maybe he didn’t want the same thing Vernon wanted. Maybe he just wanted to talk to his friend. Maybe he had stories to tell, questions to ask, experiences to share. Maybe he just missed Vernon. Maybe he regretted all the years where they’d been out of touch.

But Vernon wasn’t stupid. He refused to believe he’d read the air between them so horribly wrong. The tension. It was there. It had to be there. Vernon decided to jump off the metaphorical cliff, and say something that there was absolutely no coming back from. If Seungkwan didn’t want the same thing he wanted, this may well be the end their friendship. However, their friendship had been on an indefinite pause until about 15 minutes ago, so what did he really have to lose? “We could make a trade. You and me.”

Seungkwan stared at him, not saying anything, and Vernon was starting to feel a little sick. He’d misjudged the situation. He didn’t want to hurt Seungkwan, and now he’d have to come up with a very good apology.

“Okay.”

Vernon didn’t know if he was more surprised or relieved. Either way, Seungkwan was gazing at him with an intensity he’d never seen from him before, like he could see beyond his skin, all the way into his very core. It was nerve-wracking and exciting at the same time. “Okay,” Vernon repeated, a little breathless.

Seungkwan seemed unsure how to proceed. Vernon suspected it wasn’t a common occurrence for him, but it was reassuring to know that he wasn’t alone in his state of light confusion.

“How much?” Vernon asked, mostly because he felt like he should. He couldn’t care less what Seungkwan asked of him.

“1 million won per hour, 10 for a full night.” His eyes were wide.

“Alright. Advance, I assume?” He was going through the motions, but it wasn’t registering with him. He couldn’t stop thinking about how he was going home with Seungkwan. Or going to a hotel with Seungkwan. Frankly, it didn’t matter. It was Seungkwan.

Seungkwan hesitated. “I usually make sure to get paid in advance. But I trust you. And despite the way you dress, I trust that you’re good for it.”

Vernon nodded. “You have no idea how expensive these sandals were. But if you prefer advance, I’ll just pay in advance.” He pulled up his wallet, and leafed through the bills to see how much he had.

“You know what? Let’s do it later. I don’t have my wallet on me.”

There was something about the tone of Seungkwan’s voice that told Vernon he wasn’t entirely truthful. Seungkwan had many talents, but lying had never been one of them. Despite knowing that, he nodded in agreement. “Alright. Later, then.”

Seungkwan looked relieved. “I’m just gonna go get my coat.”

Vernon looked after him as he went. He wasn’t entirely sure what he felt right now. Aroused, definitely. Happy, maybe. Nervous, a little bit. He couldn’t decide if he thought this was a good idea or a bad one.

Seungkwan returned before he could make up his mind. “Ready?” he asked.

Vernon felt like he was lying, but he nodded nonetheless.

They walked down the street, weaving between people. Hongdae was always busy, but weekends were the worst. The wind was bitingly cold, and Vernon was glad he had his beanie. He noticed Seungkwan turning up the collar of his coat.

“My apartment is one block over.”

Vernon nodded. One block didn’t sound so bad, but about a minute later he’d changed his mind. His jacket wasn’t nearly thick enough, and the sandals were not helping. When they finally reached their destination, he was shivering slightly. The stairs up to the 4th floor helped get some heat back into Vernon’s thighs, but it was uncomfortably cold when Seungkwan unlocked the door to his apartment and let him through.

“It’s a little messy. Sorry, I don’t have company too often.”

Vernon thought this was an interesting detail. He interpreted it as that Seungkwan didn’t normally bring clients to his own place, which he could understand. Maybe their past friendship was what prompted him to break his habit.

“God, it’s freezing,” Vernon exclaimed. He unzipped his jacket, but was reluctant to take it off.

Seungkwan stared at him, something in his eyes that Vernon couldn’t quite interpret.

“What?” Vernon asked eventually.

Seungkwan hesitated. “I was just, uh, wondering if maybe you’d want to take a shower.”

Vernon laughed. “Are you trying to tell me that I smell?”

“What, no,” Seungkwan protested quickly. “It’s just, when you’re cold, it helps. Well, it burns like the inner flames of hell at first, but for getting warm again, it helps.”

Vernon looked him over. “Aren’t you cold, too?”

Seungkwan met his eyes. “Well. Yes,” he replied. “I figured I could join you.”

It was quiet between them for a second, as Vernon considered the situation. “I’d like that,” he said eventually.

Seungkwan licked his lips. “I’ll go get towels. They’re all in the drier.” He disappeared down the hall, and Vernon was left standing by the entrance, still a little confused. He took off his sandals, and padded after Seungkwan in his socks, leaving his jacket on for now.

He found Seungkwan in the laundry room, and a part of him was thinking about how Seungkwan could afford an apartment that had a separate laundry room, but a different part of him was a lot more concerned with seeing Seungkwan on his tiptoes, reaching into the dryer stacked on top of the washing machine. He pulled out two towels, and turned, looking at Vernon where he stood in the doorway. Vernon wasn’t sure what it was. They were just looking at each other. But even so, there was something passing in the air between them, some unspoken agreement, that it was okay. That they wanted the same thing.

Vernon stepped forwards, and Seungkwan did the same. They met halfway, and grasping Seungkwan’s waist, he leaned in the final inch and let their lips meet. He glanced at Seungkwan’s face, unable to focus, but seeing shapes and colors. His eyes were closed, and there was a small crease between his eyebrows, but then he sighed, and there wasn’t a doubt in Vernon’s mind that they were both where they wanted to be.  

Seungkwan’s hands came up, pulling the beanie off Vernon’s head, fingers running through his hair. Vernon brought one hand up to Seungkwan’s face, resting just under his jawline. Seungkwan’s mouth was warm and soft, a lot more so than he’d been expecting. Seungkwan’s fingers closed around the strands of hair at the back of Vernon’s head, pulling slightly. His tongue pressed its way into Vernon’s mouth, sliding against Vernon’s. Vernon opened his mouth further, letting him in. Seungkwan’s body pressed against his, and the layers of clothes were feeling more and more constricting. Stepping forwards, Vernon pushed Seungkwan back against the washing machine and the drier with a small thud. Grabbing both sides of his face, he kissed him with an intensity he hadn’t kissed anyone with in years.

He wanted everything around him to be Seungkwan. He wanted the only thing on his mind to be Seungkwan. He wanted the two of them, together, forever, with nothing to disturb that pure, beautiful happiness. He wanted something that was impossible. For a brief moment, he had the feeling he was chasing, but it was bound to end.

Seungkwan pushed him away.

Vernon was panting, trying to catch his breath, and only now realized that while his thighs were still freezing cold, he was starting to sweat under the layers of clothing.

“Shower?” Seungkwan asked, also panting. His face was red.

“Yeah,” Vernon replied, trying to feel relieved Seungkwan hadn’t changed his mind. He wrenched off his jacket, leaving it on the floor, and watched as Seungkwan did the same. Then, following Seungkwan into the bathroom, he was gonna start taking off the rest of his clothes, but Seungkwan was looking at him with uncertainty in his eyes. Vernon didn’t want to ask what it was, but he also didn’t quite know how to react.

“What do you want?” Seungkwan asked, and there was something so small about his voice, it made Vernon worried he’d overstepped his bounds.

“What?”

Seungkwan seemed to hesitate. “What do you want to do?”

“Shower?” Vernon said, not meaning to, but sounding a little sarcastic.

“Okay,” Seungkwan replied, but didn’t make any move. He was still looking at Vernon with uncertainty.

It occurred to Vernon that this was about the money. He was here as a client, and Seungkwan was remembering that.

“What do you like?” he asked Seungkwan.

He looked surprised, and a little confused. “I’m not sure,” he replied eventually.

Vernon stepped closer, watching his eyes carefully. He wasn’t sure why, but talking wasn’t going so great. Up until the point they started speaking, they’d been doing just fine. Now it was all sort of falling apart.

He put a hand on Seungkwan’s hip, resting there for a second. Watching his eyes carefully for any sign of protest, he pulled the hem of his shirt up ever so slightly, and moved his hand halfway underneath. He stopped there, waiting to see how Seungkwan would react.

He’d closed his eyes, lips parted a fraction of an inch and breathing through his mouth.

Vernon licked his lips, and feeling the warm skin at the tips of his fingers, he moved the rest of his hand up, resting his palm against Seungkwan’s waist. He’d never felt anything as soft against the skin of his hand. Then, grabbing Seungkwan’s shirt on both sides, he started pulling it up slowly.

Seungkwan didn’t protest, instead moving his arms up to let him pull the shirt off. He opened his eyes then, staring at Vernon with fire in his eyes. “I refuse to let that horrid thing be the only shirt anyone is wearing in this apartment. It’s gotta go.”

Vernon grinned, and though he wasn’t normally the type of guy who needed to be asked twice to undress, he just couldn’t help himself. He started very, very slowly unbuttoning his shirt, keeping his eyes on Seungkwan the whole time.

Seungkwan rolled his eyes, pushed his hands away, and grabbed the bottom of his shirt, pulling it over his head.

Vernon stood before him, hair a mess from the hastily removed shirt, and let Seungkwan look him over without feeling any shame. He knew he was slightly underweight right now, but he’d accepted his body for what it was. 

However, he could tell that Seungkwan was starting to overthink this again. Vernon closed the distance between them, and pulled him into a hug, breathing into his neck, sensing the tension in his shoulders, and wrapping his arms around him, holding him until he relaxed. “Let’s just shower,” he said quietly. “Nothing more. Just shower.”

Seungkwan nodded, but didn’t say anything.

They both undressed, and Vernon stepped in first, turning on the water and adjusting the temperature a little down from the 45 degrees it had been sitting on. He put the nozzle back on the wall, and stepped closer to the wall so Seungkwan could get under the spray. He watched in silence as the blond strands of his hair became drenched, clinging to his skin. Seungkwan ignored him, getting shampoo from the bottle on the floor and scrubbing it into his hair. As he was scrubbing, he stepped away so Vernon could enjoy the warmth of the water.

“I’m sorry,” Seungkwan said quietly.

Vernon rubbed his eyes so he could look at him. His hair was white with foam, and his hands were hanging limply at his sides. Vernon stepped aside so he could rinse his hair. “Don’t be,” he replied.

Seungkwan finished getting the soap out, and reached down for the bottle and handed it to Vernon. “I don’t know why I’m like this. It’s just…weird. Something feels off.”

Vernon nodded as he squeezed shampoo into his hand. Then he glanced up. “Hey, would you let me wash your hair?”

Seungkwan looked a little confused, but then shrugged. “I already washed it, but sure, go ahead.” He turned his back to Vernon, and tilted his head back.

Vernon rubbed the soap between his hands to make it more foamy, then reached up and started rubbing it into Seungkwan’s scalp. He’d never really washed anyone’s hair before, but he rubbed circles with his fingers spread out. Seungkwan sighed quietly, and his shoulders seemed to drop a little. “I think it’s the money,” Vernon commented quietly.

Seungkwan’s shoulders tensed up again.

“I don’t want you to feel like I own you.” Vernon kept on massaging, and slowly, Seungkwan’s shoulders relaxed again.

“Then don’t pay me,” Seungkwan said quietly.

Vernon’s heart did a small skip. It didn’t really change anything, did it? If Seungkwan felt the same way he did, it wouldn’t matter. “Okay,” he replied. A small shiver ran through him. He knew this was important.

Seungkwan turned around. From what he remembered, Seungkwan’s face had always been easy to read. Now it didn’t tell him anything.

Seungkwan put his arms around Vernon’s neck, and kissed him. It was different from before. It was slow and deliberate. It was intimate. There was shampoo rubbing off on Vernon’s forehead, and he closed his eyes to make sure he didn’t get any soap into them, but he could feel Seungkwan leaning into him, chests touching, then their hips meeting. Vernon made a small noise of appreciation, and put his arms around Seungkwan’s waist.

Hot water ran in streams down his body, mixing with shampoo, and the bathroom was getting increasingly steamy. Eventually, Seungkwan broke off their kiss, pushed Vernon a little to the side and rinsed his hair. Then he smiled, took Vernon’s hand, and pulled him back under the spray, kissing him fiercely. “I’m done showering,” Seungkwan muttered against Vernon’s lips.

“Alright,” Vernon replied, eyes closed against the water, but smiling at the playfulness in Seungkwan’s voice. “Maybe we should dry off, then.”

“Mhm,” Seungkwan replied, but continued kissing him.

Vernon groped behind himself until he found the tap, and shut off the water.

“Oh God, it’s cold in here,” Seungkwan commented, before finding his towel on the rack. He handed the other one to Vernon, and started drying off.

Vernon wiped himself off quickly, then waited for Seungkwan to lead the way. 

There was no hesitation in him now. Vernon couldn’t help but admire him as he lead the way to the bedroom, not even bothering to keep the towel around his waist, instead hanging it in the bathroom to dry and walking naked through the apartment.

It was cold. In the bedroom, Seungkwan quickly got under the sheets, and Vernon followed him without question. He felt his heart beat fast as Seungkwan turned around to look at him. Lying like that, staring into each other’s eyes, Vernon felt like Seungkwan’s gaze expressed more than words ever could. He reached out to caress his cheek.

Seungkwan pulled himself up a bit, draping himself over Vernon’s chest, and kissed him with his eyes closed. There were drops falling from his hair, cold where they landed on Vernon’s cheeks. But the rest of him was warm. His tongue moved smoothly over Vernon’s lips, making him lean up to catch him, hands coming up behind Seungkwan’s neck to pull him down. Vernon couldn’t understand why this wasn’t what he’d been doing all along.

Seungkwan’s kisses grew more insistent. One of his hands moved down Vernon’s side, stopping for a moment at his hip, then caressing over his thigh. Vernon couldn’t help the small shiver that traveled through him at the sensation, letting a small sigh pass over his lips. Seungkwan’s hand lifted from his hip, and reappeared just under his navel, nails scratching the trail of hair going down his lower abdomen. His fingers followed it down, until they were running through his pubes, slowly, slowly, until he connected with the base of Vernon’s dick. He couldn’t help himself, pushing his hips up to meet him, but Seungkwan shifted his hand out of the way, denying him the pleasure. Vernon made a noise of complaint, and he could feel Seungkwan’s cheeks move against his as he smiled. His hand crept back down again, agonizingly slowly. This time Vernon lay still. Seungkwan shifted on top of him, putting his mouth against Vernon’s neck, and kissed him lightly just before he wrapped his hand around the shaft. Vernon was still soft, but he could feel himself growing hard under Seungkwan’s touch.

Vernon opened his eyes when Seungkwan pushed the sheets aside, and lay still as Seungkwan climbed on top of him, sitting down over his waist. Vernon didn’t say anything, but he definitely liked this development. He felt the heat pooling in his lower abdomen as Seungkwan leaned over and kissed him again, hips barely moving against him. Then Vernon’s breath caught as Seungkwan grasped his dick again with his hand, rubbing his palm over the tip until he’d smeared most of it with precome. He jerked him slowly, gently, and Vernon closed his eyes. 

A few minutes in, Seungkwan let go of him, only to shift his grip. Vernon tilted his head to look down between them, and saw Seungkwan jerking himself, just a few strokes, before bringing both of their members together in his hand.

A moan tumbled across Vernon’s lips. He’d never felt anything like it. It was beyond erotic. Seungkwan’s panting above him made it even more so. It was difficult to think. Seungkwan’s hips started to move, grinding down against Vernon’s legs, and Vernon’s hands moved over the outside of his thighs, feeling the muscles work as he moved. Seungkwan moaned above him, and Vernon moved his grip up to his hips, holding him in place. “Wait,” Vernon said, and Seungkwan stopped. He pushed Seungkwan up, enough for him to shift his weight off Vernon, and sat up, moving himself all the way to the top of the bed until he was sitting leaned against the headrest, pausing to put a pillow behind his back.

Seungkwan was watching him from the middle of the bed, sheets pooled around his waist. Vernon used his hand to beckon him to follow, and held him as he climbed on top of him again. Vernon took the chance to grasp Seungkwan’s face, kissing him gently. Seungkwan’s mouth opened against his, and Vernon didn’t hesitate, licking over Seungkwan’s bottom lip, and feeling their tongues meet. He felt hands around his neck, and Seungkwan shifted slightly on top of him, reminding Vernon why he’d changed his position in the first place. He reached down, grasping both of them the same way that Seungkwan had, and started jerking them slowly. It was difficult to hold them both, and he quickly gave up on it, in favor of only gripping around Seungkwan. They were still kissing. Or rather, Seungkwan was kissing him, as Vernon found himself incapable of doing two things at the same time. He held his grip around the head of Seungkwan’s dick, jerking slowly but steadily, and felt the way Seungkwan was bucking his hips up to thrust into his grip. Vernon couldn’t stop focusing on the sounds.

Seungkwan’s mouth disappeared from Vernon’s, and there was a puff of breath on his face. His hands shifted from Vernon’s shoulders and down to his sides, gripping the skin over his ribs. The grip of Vernon’s hand tightened slightly as it moved down the shaft, and he heard Seungkwan’s breath catch for a moment. He reached behind Seungkwan, kneading the skin of his ass. Seungkwan resumed kissing him, groaning into his mouth as Vernon pulled on his skin. Then he put his hands on Vernon’s chest, pushing himself back, and lifted his hips momentarily, using one hand to push Vernon’s dick underneath him, and sat back down. Vernon spread his feet slightly more out, feeling the skin of Seungkwan’s ass against his thighs. “It’s cold,” Seungkwan complained.

“Get the sheets, then,” Vernon replied, biting his lower lip lightly.

Seungkwan groaned, but reached behind himself, and pulled roughly on the sheets until he could hoist the hem over his shoulders. He stared petulantly at Vernon. “I look ridiculous.”

Vernon smiled at him. “No. Maybe. Ok, yes, you do. But it doesn’t matter. We’re already in bed, you don’t have to charm me anymore.”

Seungkwan scoffed. Then he went quiet again, and Vernon could tell immediately that he’d said something wrong.

He studied Seungkwan’s eyes, seeing them go shiny as he refused to look directly at Vernon. “Hey, I didn’t mean to hurt you,” he said, caressing Seungkwan’s cheek.

Seungkwan turned away from his hand. “No. It’s nothing. Don’t worry about it.”

Vernon frowned. It was pretty difficult not to worry about it. Once again, he wished he’d just shut up. Talking wasn’t working. He kept saying the wrong thing.

He didn’t understand Seungkwan. He couldn’t connect the dots between when he got disrupted. What was Vernon doing wrong? He was tempted to just ignore it, and resume kissing, but he had a feeling that there was something bigger behind it, something that couldn’t be ignored, or that would definitely become a lot worse if he did. “You can tell me anything, you know,” Vernon said quietly, hand resting gently on Seungkwan’s shoulder.

Seungkwan still refused to look at him. He didn’t reply, but he shook his head, and for a second Vernon thought he was gonna start kissing him again, but he leaned into Vernon, embracing him. Then, just when Vernon put his hands around him to return the embrace, he pushed himself off, and sat down next to him in bed, leaning against the headrest. He pulled the sheets further up to cover himself. “I’m sorry. I’m just a little out of it right now.”

They sat in silence for a few moments. It wasn’t uncomfortable, but there was something unspoken that needed to be addressed. Unfortunately, Vernon didn’t know what it was, and so he couldn’t bring it up himself — he’d just have to wait for Seungkwan to open up.

Seungkwan laughed, but he didn’t sound like he was having fun. “I seem to have forgotten how to have sex.”

Vernon mulled it over. “Well, what do you normally do?”

Seungkwan shrugged. “Normally, people tell me what they want, and I give it to them.”

Vernon frowned. “Wait, how long has it been since you were with someone who actually cared about you?” He realized immediately that this might be hitting a nerve, and that frankly it was maybe a little outside of what he could claim to be his business, but he’d already said it out loud, and there was no taking it back now.

Seungkwan shook his head. “Years.”

Vernon glanced over at him. He had a gloomy expression on his face. “Well, if you’re not feeling it right now, but you still want to get off, I could just suck you off.”

Seungkwan shifted next to him. “You would do that?” There was something about his voice, so small and hopeful, that made a part of Vernon’s heart ache.

“Yeah, of course. I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it,” he replied.

Seungkwan put his face in his hands. It was quiet, but Vernon could tell that he was crying.

“Hey, don’t cry, you’re okay,” Vernon said, putting his hand around Seungkwan’s shoulders, attempting to comfort him. “If you don’t want to, we could just sleep instead.”

Seungkwan shook his head, but he kept his hands where they were, sniffling slightly.

Vernon grabbed them with his own, pulling slightly until Seungkwan relented and put them down. His cheeks were stained with tears, and his eyes kept flickering between Vernon’s, as if he couldn’t decide which eye to focus on. Following his instinct, Vernon leaned forwards and kissed him gently. Just lips against lips, a light reminder that he was there, and that everything was okay. He could taste the salt of Seungkwan’s tears on his lips. He could feel Seungkwan responding to him, though. Shifting on the mattress, he put his hands on Seungkwan’s chest, caressing his skin. He let go of his mouth to move down and lick around one nipple. However, Seungkwan grabbed his jaw and pulled him back up. “Not a big fan of the nipple thing,” he murmured against Vernon’s lips.

“Noted,” Vernon murmured back, reverting back to kissing him instead. He pushed Seungkwan’s head to the side with a gentle movement, and kissed along his jawline, all the way back to his ear, breathing against the skin of his neck, smelling the faint scent of him mixing with the scent of his shampoo. Vernon ran a hand through Seungkwan’s hair, brushing the strands back, and then tucking them behind his ear. Seungkwan sighed lightly. Vernon let his hand run down his throat, caressing the skin over his Adam’s apple, just barely touching. He traced the line of his collarbone, and felt Seungkwan shiver slightly under his touch. He moved his fingers over to Seungkwan’s shoulder, and ran them slowly down his arm. When he came to his hand, he grasped it, interlocking their fingers. Seungkwan turned his head to look at him, and Vernon saw that his eyes were half-closed. Watching his expression, Vernon sat back further down the bed, and slowly let his body drop, face getting close to Seungkwan’s crotch. When he got far enough down, he couldn’t see Seungkwan’s face anymore, but he trusted him to speak up if he wasn’t happy with how things were progressing.

Moving the covers aside, he ran his fingers up and down the length of Seungkwan’s dick, and then took it in his grasp. He felt it grow harder as he moved his hand, and throwing his head back for a final glance at Seungkwan, he saw that he had his eyes closed and his head leaned back against the headboard. Setting aside his doubts, Vernon leaned his head down, putting his lips around the head of Seungkwan’s dick, and sucking lightly.

There was a small gasp above him, and Seungkwan’s hips shifted under him, but then he became still again.

Vernon spent a few moments licking only around the tip, dipping his tongue into the slit occasionally and feeling Seungkwan jerk underneath him. Then he opened his jaw further, and slowly swallowed him down to the base. The sour smell in his nose barely registered with him. Heat radiated against his face, and curly hair tickled against the skin of his nose. He moved back up, sucking around the head again, then moved back down once more, a little faster this time.

He found a rhythm that Seungkwan seemed to settle into as well. Vernon shifted one hand to gently hold around Seungkwan’s balls, leaning on his elbow instead. He couldn’t concentrate well enough to do anything, but he held them nonetheless.

Seungkwan stayed patient for a few minutes. It was long enough for Vernon to start feeling it in his jaw; he didn’t really give blow jobs that often, and he had to admit that he wasn’t very practiced at it. It was a little relieving when Seungkwan’s hips started coming up to meet his mouth more urgently, and Vernon shifted his arms to hold around Seungkwan’s thighs, hands on his ass, pushing him up into his open mouth. He felt the tip of Seungkwan’s dick touch against the back of his throat, and for a second he gagged, but then he swallowed, and heard a sound above him that was so absurdly erotic it went straight to his own dick. He doubled down, tightening his lips more, and upping his pace as much as he could. The sensation of Seungkwan’s movements going erratic under him made Vernon almost painfully hard. In the back of his mind, he imagined what it would be like to fuck him. A part of him knew that wasn’t really in the cards right now, but even so, he couldn’t help but fantasize. Shifting his hand slightly, he dragged a finger over Seungkwan’s asshole, and he swore to God, what came out of Seungkwan’s mouth next was a whine. Letting Seungkwan’s dick out of his mouth for a second, he rubbed his hand over it, collecting some of the sticky fluid on his finger, and resumed what he’d been doing. 

“Do it, I want you to,” Seungkwan said above him with a shaky voice.

Vernon rubbed his finger once more over Seungkwan’s hole, then pushed in.

Seungkwan’s hips stuttered, and after two or three more bobs from Vernon’s head, he was pushing his hips up hard, coming into his mouth.

Normally, Vernon would have been offended at the lack of warning, but honestly, there was plenty of warning in Seungkwan’s body language, and he’d sort of been asking for it. He swallowed it down, using his hands to hold Seungkwan close to him until he was spent, then he let him down gently, pulling at his hips to place him more in the middle of the bed instead of halfway slumped against the headrest.

He kissed his shoulder, his neck, and his lips. Seungkwan was soft against him, lazily dragging his tongue against Vernon’s lips, no doubts tasting himself there. “Just give me a second,” Vernon said, and Seungkwan turned to his side, watching Vernon as he jerked himself off. Vernon had to close his eyes, and if Seungkwan had asked, he wouldn’t have denied that he was imagining fucking him.

Getting closer, he increased the speed of his pumps. Suddenly, there was a hand on his side, caressing over the skin on his outer hip. He glanced sideways, and realized Seungkwan was watching him intently. He saw him swallow thickly, then shift his position, a small sound coming from his throat as he did. For a flash of a second, he pictured Seungkwan on his knees in front of him, looking behind to meet his eyes, and then making that same sound at the back of his throat as he did just now. Closing his eyes again, Vernon concentrated on the movements of his hand, and leaned back, sinking down on the bed amongst the pillows, and let his hips move along with his hand. He let the pressure build, not taking the time to build it slowly, instead aiming to get off as quickly as he could.

The final two flicks of his wrist sent a small trail of come over his stomach, but most of it ended in a warm, sticky mess in his hand. He kept his eyes closed as he relaxed against the mattress, letting himself come down. When he finally opened his eyes, he glanced around, and saw a box of tissues on the nightstand. He reached out, grabbing it, and cleaned himself the best he could. Putting the box back, leaving the spent tissues on the floor, and laying back down in bed, he turned to the side, seeing Seungkwan watch him with sleepy eyes.

“That was really fucking hot,” Seungkwan mumbled, mouth half hidden by the pillow.

Vernon snorted. “So me sucking you off was kind of meh, but watching me jerk off, that really got you going?”

Seungkwan rolled his eyes. “You know what I mean.”

Vernon grinned. “Maybe.”

“You’d make a good camboy,” Seungkwan added thoughtfully.

“Yeah? You like that? You like it when I touch myself? You like watching me come for you?” He faked a moan at the back of his throat, and shifted closer to Seungkwan on the bed.

Seungkwan laughed, and shifted as well. Under the cover, they slotted close to each other, Vernon putting his stomach up against Seungkwan’s back, and snaking his arm around Seungkwan’s waist, pulling him close. Seungkwan reached his hand over his head, and flicked a switch right over the bed. The room became dark.

They lay quiet for a while, breathing falling into a matching rhythm. Vernon nestled his face in Seungkwan’s hair, breathing softly. It smelled nice. Clean. He felt his eyelids growing heavy. Seungkwan’s breathing evened out against his chest, and he heard faint snores coming from him. Based on his behavior earlier that night, he’d been a little worried Seungkwan would have trouble relaxing enough to actually fall asleep, and he was relieved to feel his calm form in his arms. He sighed deeply and let himself drift off to sleep.

 

He woke up to Seungkwan moving against him. He could hear muffled sounds from Seungkwan’s mouth, and for a few seconds he was a little unsure if Seungkwan was awake or not, but then Seungkwan froze, and Vernon was 100% sure that he was awake, and possibly about to start apologizing. Vernon tentatively moved his hips, pushing up against Seungkwan’s ass. He realized that he was half-hard already, and a surprised groan escaped his lips.

He heard Seungkwan’s breath catch, and then felt his back arch, pushing himself down against Vernon.

Vernon moved his hand up to Seungkwan’s chest, holding him tight, and started slowly grinding up against him, mouth half-open and unintentionally making small sounds of appreciation every once in a while.

Seungkwan moved with him. The longer they kept it up, the harder Vernon became, and the closer Seungkwan’s sounds grew to a moan.

After a few minutes, Vernon started half-worrying that he would just come against Seungkwan’s ass, and maybe that would be a little embarrassing, but his thoughts were interrupted by Seungkwan suddenly stopping. He sat up in bed, leaning over Vernon to open the drawer of the nightstand, and before Vernon could see what he was doing, he was back down under the covers, handing Vernon a packaged condom and popping open a bottle of lube. It was dark in the room, but Vernon could tell where Seungkwan’s hand was going.

He opened the foil, and rolled the condom on. Scooting back up against Seungkwan, he reached around him, groping at the covers until he found the bottle of lube, and spread some on his own fingers. He took a moment to rub over the condom, then gently shoved at Seungkwan’s hand, where he had two fingers up his ass, moving in and out.

Seungkwan grunted in reply, but Vernon kept tapping at his arm, until he pulled his fingers out, and leaned back.

Vernon worked slowly. That was how he preferred it. Seungkwan moaned as Vernon’s slicked up fingers slid in and out of his ass, all the way in to the knuckles, rubbing at his insides. But Seungkwan was impatient. He kept moving, jerking his hips, forcing Vernon’s fingers in faster, and making them go out slower. Taking the hint, Vernon pushed for a third finger, struggling to get all the way in, Seungkwan’s asshole tightening as the circumference of his fingers expanded.

Seungkwan groped behind him until he found Vernon’s hip, moving down haphazardly until he connected with his dick. Even through the condom, Vernon’s skin burned with the heat of Seungkwan’s fingers. He closed his fingers around him, jerking fast.

Vernon knew he wouldn’t last long if Seungkwan kept doing that, but he didn’t want to ruin the moment by speaking. Instead, he pulled his fingers out, pushed Seungkwan’s hand away, and tugged at Seungkwan’s hip to pull him closer. Holding his own dick, he slowly started pushing the head against Seungkwan’s asshole. It felt like forever before he relaxed, and slowly, slowly let Vernon in, one inch at a time.

Once the head was in, the slide was faster, Seungkwan shifting slightly from his position on the mattress to make the angle better. He moaned loudly as Vernon pushed in the final inch.

Starting off carefully, he pulled out a little bit, and pushed back in slightly faster. Seungkwan’s breath was shaky, but he was moving along with Vernon, and didn’t seem any less impatient than he had so far.

Vernon had intended to up the pace. He’d meant to give Seungkwan what he seemed to want so bad. But he couldn’t. He didn’t want it to end. He wanted it to last forever. He wanted it to be Seungkwan surrounding him, Seungkwan in his arms, Seungkwan’s breath and pleasure-induced sounds in the air around him, Seungkwan’s scent in his nostrils, Seungkwan’s hands grasping his forearm and the covers next to his pillow, Seungkwan’s legs wound around his, Seungkwan’s ass pressed against his lower abdomen, and Seungkwan’s soft skin under his hands. The way he’d always wanted it to be. The way he’d given up on years ago.

Hidden in the dark, it lasted a long time. Seungkwan didn’t make any attempt at speeding him up. Didn’t say anything. Didn’t do anything other than hold on, and move his hips along with Vernon’s, his panting breath the only thing breaking the silence. 

He felt it build in the pit of his stomach long before he was ready. It felt like a defeat, when his thrusts grew erratic, and then when the final two or three had him coming, confined in the condom, but finished and growing limp in Seungkwan’s ass. Seungkwan was moving fast and hard, one hand around his dick, jerking off with Vernon still inside of him. Vernon moved his hand down, holding over Seungkwan’s as his hips did all the work, breathing hard from the exertion. He tilted his head to kiss at Seungkwan’s neck, hyper-aware of the way his breath caught, how his hips stuttered, and then how there was hot fluid between his fingers, combined with a drawn-out moan. For a second, Vernon was unsure if the moan had come from him or Seungkwan. He realized that it had been the both of them.

Laying still for a few moments, still holding around Seungkwan’s hand, Vernon tried not to think of what came next. That they were done. They’d done the deed. Now it was back to their usual lives. The ones they lived apart. The ones they’d been living for years, none the wiser to what they were missing out on. The thought of going back to that, but knowing what was lacking, almost overwhelmed him.

Vernon shifted, slowly pulling his limp dick out of Seungkwan’s ass, carefully holding onto the condom, then pulling it off and tying a knot at the end. When he started to turn over to get tissues, he was stopped by Seungkwan’s hand, holding his side with a vice-like grip.

“Don’t leave.”

Vernon froze. He was about to start explaining that he was only cleaning up, that he wasn’t going anywhere — but at the back of his mind, he realized that it wasn’t entirely true. Sure, he wasn’t leaving  _ now _ — but eventually, he would be. Maybe not now, maybe not in an hour, but when morning came, he’d eventually have to go back home.

  
  


Waking up, there were three blissful seconds where he was too confused to realize what was about to come. Seungkwan was quiet next to him, but Vernon suspected that he was awake. He hadn’t minded it when Vernon lay back down with him, wounding a come-smeared hand over his chest, and his position hadn’t changed during the night. He was still clutching onto Vernon’s forearm. Quietly, Vernon watched the room grow brighter and brighter with the morning sun rising behind the curtains covering the windows.

Seungkwan’s grip tightened on Vernon’s forearm. Vernon swallowed around a lump that was growing quickly in his throat. It was faint at first, like a shiver, but Seungkwan was crying in his arms. The way he shook was unmistakable. Vernon wanted to say something, but he didn’t know what. He felt so helpless. Instead, he hugged Seungkwan tighter, breathing steadily into his hair, curling his knees up against Seungkwan’s thighs.

Seungkwan’s shaking subsided, without him ever making a sound. Vernon couldn’t decide if he was more relieved or saddened. Then Seungkwan’s breathing evened out, and Vernon knew he’d fallen back asleep. But the lump in his throat wouldn’t stop growing. It felt like he was choking on it now, and with a feeling of terror so overwhelming he couldn’t understand where it had come from, he watched his vision get blurry, and felt hot tears running down the side of his face.

Eventually, enough time had passed that Vernon knew he’d already missed his flight, and he was certain that his phone, still in the pocket of his jacket that he’d abandoned by the washing machine, probably had at least 20 missed calls. He couldn’t seem to care, even if it did mean that he lost his job. He’d worked hard for it, it was close to being the only important thing in his life, but right now he didn’t care. Right now he felt like he was drowning, and he was busy holding on for dear life.

“Vernon?”

He jolted with surprise, unaware that Seungkwan had woken up.

“Yeah,” Vernon replied, clearing his throat.

“Where do you live?”

Vernon’s breath caught. “Busan,” he replied eventually. “But there’s a lot of traveling. I spent a month on Jeju not long ago.” He felt Seungkwan nod against him. “Why?”

Seungkwan didn’t reply right away. “Just thought I could use a change of scenery.”

He could barely hear anything over the beat of his own heart. Was Seungkwan really suggesting moving to Busan? “Yeah?” he breathed.

“Yeah,” Seungkwan replied, voice shaking. “So if you wanna hang out, that’s an option.”

Vernon’s heart wouldn’t stop beating frantically against his chest. He felt like he was back in high school. He had to clear his throat yet again. “I’d like that,” he whispered.

Seungkwan nodded against him once more.

Vernon’s thoughts were spinning. Seungkwan wanted to be close-by. He wanted to see Vernon again. The pressure from his own heartbeat was pulsing in his ears, drumming against his chest, and making his fingertips tingle.

Seungkwan was silent in his arms.

“You know that I always loved you, right?”

Vernon was shell-shocked by his own words. He didn’t know himself where they came from, but he knew the moment he spoke them that they were true. He wasn’t scared anymore. He felt safe in that surety, the irrefutable fact of what was in his heart. 

Seungkwan twisted in his arms, staring at Vernon, tears spilling down the side of his face. “You idiot,” he choked out, before grabbing Vernon’s face with both hands and kissing him roughly.


End file.
